Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Jan Frazier continued February 3, 2010

Experienced an awakened person last night. I read Jan Frazier’s book When Fear Falls Away last year and loved it. It explained so simply the feeling of being truly there with no ego attachments while still living a life of love, kids, work etc.
She was here in Arcata last night and so I went to sit in her presence hoping something might rub off on me. We sat there waiting expectantly for her wisdom, waiting for everyone to get settled, to stop talking for God’s Sake and then the first thing she said was, “We’re always waiting for something to happen.” We laughed. Her next line that resounded with me was,” We work so hard to good, to be better.” That’s me since as far back as I can remember , always this sense that there was something terribly wrong with me. My parents actually told me this because they were always trying to fix me or punish me, but it went even deeper than that. Lifetime after lifetime of self abuse, abuse by others, loss and sorrow. I have been determined to heal all of me this lifetime, so to told by someone who has moved beyond that I need to stop trying so hard is a new one. Not that I haven’t heard” You are fine as you are.” “Learn to love who you are now” etc. Yeah, yeah. I get it. I have just always had this sense that I could be better and now I am beginning to get that it’s not better, it’s that I am so much bigger than I ever imagined but I am struggling to get to through to my immensity. :-)
OK a task for the cards just to shine more light or confusion on the subject. What is all my struggling about? Really? I ask what am I trying to get to? The Chariot. Oh, Wow! I am trying to control my path. The Chariot is about setting off in a known direction. The personality has been shaped, the duality is under control and we are off. Ha Ha. so my struggle is to control what is happening. And as Jan Frazier keeps saying, the breakthrough is about surrendering. To let go of the mind, to allow. Thank you, cards. (to be continued)

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