Sunday, July 25, 2010

Missing my son

I have not made a post in days, months but I am now visiting my son's blog on a regular basis. He is in Chile and it's a wonderful way to see what he is up to. I, on the other hand, was using my blog to attract readers to my tarot website and I need to rethink this idea.

In the beginning I was truly writing about my insights regularly, now I think I am a bit depressed, my energy is static. I know much of it is that I am lonely, not unhappy lonely, but isolated, living alone and not having daily human contact with someone I love very much. Of course, I also realize I am using this as an excuse because I am also reaching for a place of being where it doesn't matter who or what i am doing, that I will always be energized. Alas I am far from this place.

Time for a tarot reading. Time to kick my ass. I am frustrated with myself because I have it all. I am not starving. I have a beautiful home, great friends, all this free time to be in my garden, read, do what I want, but what am I doing? Marinating? Perhaps. That's what I would like to think. (-:

This is good. I am already feeling better. Maybe I just need to sit and write everyday about nothing in particular. I know it's a way to work one out of a funk. I tell people this all the time. Like many counselors, I rarely follow my own advice.

So I have a great new, though old to some, tarot book. Tarot of the Spirit, Pamela Eakins. Great insights. I love a PhD view of the tarot.

So then I had to get the deck. So let's see what this deck says is going on with me.

Using one of Eakins spreads

Significator: Six of Pentacles Every thing is great! This is hilarious. Eakins talks about relaxing, surrendering to float suspended taking refuge in peace. Here i am going into my Hanged Man year in peace and harmony , no drama or stress and I am freaked out! Wow. In resistance is more like it.

Aspect of least control: Princess of Swords or Sister of Winds Thinking my way through all of this. I have slashed my way through the mind; it's time to start applying what I have learned; Quit trying to figure it out.

Aspect of Most control: The Lovers Eeeeek! at first glance this is where i feel I have the least control. Let's see what Eakins says:"You recognize that you are lonely" oh, my. "at the same time you realize that without separation, there can be no connection or demonstration of love" Yeh, the self love thing. the inner marriage KNowing that I am simultaneously united and separated. I need to accept this for inner happiness. and yes, I have control over this. sigh...

What influence is leaving (8 of pentacles) to be replaced by?(The Emperor)

taking my work up another level. I am aware and hopeful that this can happen in my next round of classes. This is what I am asking for. need to take in that aspect of me that is not so sure, The Lovers and create that confidence to let it all hang out. It is time to truly come into service. I have worked hard, nurtured myself and of course the Emperor is about form and the physical plane so this relates to what I am building in my back yard. My spiritual class room. I am sacrificing to a higher good to be a "window of light in the darkness" Ay Yieee!. Oh the resistance. I want excitement, movement, growth but at the same time I want exactly what I have, peace and no stress. Never satisfied!!!

My past: Four of Fire: Staying in my comfort zone, having created my structure, now it's time to put it to work.

My future: Four of Water Oh,dear. Let's see what Eakins says. the need to change to regain balance. I think I am already living this future. "outgrowing a period of contentment. I am bursting at the seams need a new "vison of love" Simplify. Pare down needs and expectations, pare down stimuli to hear the voice of higher will

Outcome at this point: Karma, 11, Justice, Cosmic Justice. Oh, boy. Karma says it all. I am clearing and paying for my past and it fits in with going into my hanged man year. I am coming out of my Karma year also. I am looking for something happy here. The challenge is happiness anyway.

This is my new favorite deck and book. This will fit well with the Tree of life study and is based on Crowley's deck more than the Waite smith. A good deck for the 21st century picked up at a used book store. Love it. Now go ahead and post it, Carolyn